Three months ago it was announced that La Colombe purchased a dairy farm in rural Michigan that would serve as their home base for all Draft Latte production. Well, that 55,000-square-foot facility is now up and running, and the Philadelphia based coffee roaster’s ready-to-drink cans will soon be available nationwide at retailers like Whole Foods, Target, and Wegmans.
To christen the farm’s milk-maiden voyage, CEO Todd Carmichael did the only thing that made any sense: he shot a Draft Latte can into space.
Carmichael opted to forgo the more traditional christening route of breaking a Draft Latte against one of the structures on the coffee farm (literally hitting the broad side of a barn, which regrettably, as of press time, there is no empirical evidence that he can). Instead, he strapped a Draft Latte and a GoPro to a drone, and BANG! ZOOM! Straight to the moon! This marks the first instance of ready-to-drink coffee in orbit.
Or does it? There is speculation that Carmichael may have faked the whole thing as a means of gaining the upper hand in the brewing Cold War (or it is a Cold Brewing War?) with Blue Bottle, whose claims of opening a café on Moon Base Hyperion have also been met with suspicion. The La Colombe camp insists the video is genuine. Marketing Manager Alicia Moore had this to say:
Nothing was photoshopped. That was all real. Pretty nuts. The can was launched roughly 175,000 feet into the air. Eventually the GoPro froze, the balloon popped and the parachute came out. We found it 3 hours away in a tree.
But noted Alientology analysis expert Bixby Klendathu isn’t buying it:
The video from La Colombe which purports to show a can of ‘Draft Latte” being carried into space is NOT WHAT IT APPEARS. It is important to note that companies like LC are IN CONTACT with the exo-intelligent beings (extraterrestrial intelligence) who created coffee in the first place. They are now preparing the human race/genetic descendants/experimental species (US) for their return. This video is propaganda. Note the left side of the final frame of the video. What appears at first to be a ‘lens flare’ is in fact the reflection of a Nephilim/watcher/alien in a glass window of a highly advanced craft.
THE PHOTO IS NOT TAKEN FROM A BALLOON. IT IS TAKEN FROM WITHIN A SPACESHIP. The evidence is clear. Please confront Carmichael.
Scary stuff. But in the meantime, before our extraterrestrial overlords return, La Colombe’s Draft Latte is available terrestrially nationwide at the end of the month, which really might be the most incredible part of the whole story anyway.
Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.
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