College is where you go to experiment. Drink this, smoke that, maybe put less milk in your espresso beverage. And now USA Today, backed by the powerful mattress lobby, is trying to harsh your collegial vibes. According to a recent article, a new study seems to show that coffee drinkers have lower grade point averages than non-coffee drinkers.

The study surveyed over 1,000 current college students and was performed by researchers at the Best Mattress Brand, whom you should never buy a mattress from unless you are comfortable sleeping on a pile of lies, or at the very least, a bed frame of misleading interpretation. They found that students who drank no coffee had an average GPA of 3.43 whereas those who drank five or more cups had an average GPA of 3.28. The correlation they are (unsurprisingly) drawing is that students who drink more coffee sleep less. Therefore, students should drink less coffee and sleep more, perhaps on a, oh gosh I don’t know, maybe a Best Mattress Brand mattress.

This is the same study that compared students with and without prescriptions for Adderall or Ritalin to find that those without had .1 higher GPA. The study also noted that the non-prescribed students also got more sleep. So don’t take your drugs, kids, and just sleep harder and maybe you can be as smart as your peers without a learning disability.

And as if that weren’t bad enough, the study concludes with, “Now you can break away from your barista and find your new best friend in Best Mattress Brand – the one who really knows how to give you what you need.”

So there you go, some phony baloney survey set out to sell you a mattress concludes that you should buy a new mattress. How fascinating. Keep drinking coffee and don’t let some slick mattress salesman tell you how to live your college years.

Here’s a better conclusion for this survey: DON’T BUY BEST MATTRESS BRAND BEDS. Get a Tempurpedic or a Serta or something. Or get a hammock. Those are rad.

Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.

*top image via Best Mattress Brand

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